Friday, September 3, 2010

My Dark Place Alone

Sick, Am I sick?
And for these last five years I've been stuck up in here.
Inside this brain that drains into society, injected in your veins.
Give me hand grenades, give me razor blades,
give me anything to make the pain go away
Cause these pills don't work, Sometimes they make it worse...
--Murderdolls, My Dark Place Alone

I put my faith in a bottle of pills
Cause it's the only thing that makes me feel...
Like I connect with the human race...
-- Gunfire 76, Something for The Suffering

This month, in a word, sucked.
I'll start by saying that this is NO ONES fault, this is just a combo of my meds failing, and my inherited manic depression.

So, this just kind of starts from about 2 weeks ago? Got a boyfriend. Normal, sweet, had plans, polite...
But I just started high school, serious relationships are not my goal. This guy...oh my god when you start planning out when a kiss is going to happen, do not be surprised if I BAIL.
Then I have homecoming coming up...and I asked the guy I had a crush on, which got crazy confusing and I somehow got a guilt trip...a girl I kind of know...not the most gorgeous girl out there, kind of an outcast...was about to ask him...
And I felt so insanely bad...

On Thursday in health class...we were asked to write down goals. Ok I admit I could have faked this assignment with 'go to college!' 'be a psychologist!' but instead I wrote
dont hurt myself
dont kill myself

It's true, but that creeps out people...
And when you're batshite insane and you get to sit there and hear about the illnesses you get a bit flustered...
And I can't get 3 FEET OF SPACE, can't talk without a flucking INTERRUPTION, people do not just SHUT THE HELL UP...I'm in a class where maybe 4 of us are in there FOR. THE. CLASS. The rest are goof offs who figure EASY A!
Then they ask obvious questions...ASININE, if I may...
Then me and my mom had a fight...and she tells me I cause all the drama in the house...kind of a downer, I'll be honest.

I've been wanting to hurt myself for the past 24, 25 hours? All the guilt I feel over everything will not GO AWAY...and I can't even put into words the shite that is happening!
I'm at the point where I actually want to check out Children's AGAIN....just to know I can have help...and I HATED IT THERE.
Imagine having no contact with people...and all you need is a flucking hug...
That's how it was there.

So, I don't know. It's ok now but what about tomorrow?????

1 comment:

  1. Tomorrow is great, the sun will be with us for at least 5 billion more years. Tomorrow is a really good bet. Bet on yourself too. Bet that you can turn the stinking thinking cycle around by the ABC techniques I taught you. That has worked for me for the past 27 years. I'm proof that it works. I'm here, I bet on tomorrow 27 years ago, it works. I know you can do it too. You are a great human being. You have blessed so many people for the past 14 years. Many blessing await you and those that come across your path. You are needed for the course corrections to come. I love you and believe in you. Start today. Bet on yourself. Bet on tomorrow. Nana